Someone (RS) suggested I get back on here, claiming I had an audience- I know otherwise, but it’s been a strange day. Do you ever have those days that feel like a compilation of 5 days all in one? I’ll try to break it down in the least complicated way possible, but will surely fall short.

Morning:

Anthony Bourdain, chef, travel savant, CNN analyst who taught us all (or tried to teach us) about appreciating other cultures took his own life. I read this on TMZ at about 5am PST. I thought instantly about being at my parents house, with my dad watching him. My dad being in awe of this man who’s profession it was to travel the world, mingle with locals, and feast on the local fair. It’s hard to see the person who you have looked up to the most, have this “celeb crush” (if you will) on this individual who was probably very ill. I texted my dad, and we had a chat about how sad this was.

Mid -Morning:

I got to the gym and things were oddly different for a Friday. The gym was packed when typically this would be the day people skip. The TVs were glued on Mr. Bourdain’s passing, but it wasn’t enough for me. I was reading (albeit subtitles) in which the “signs of suicide” include; mental health issues, substance abuse, and… the clincher… prior suicide attempts. I was running and thinking to myself, no shit. We make it so passé to discuss any mental health problem, but if you have a terminal illness, people know about it. Trust me, this also hits very close to home. The latter is very much a part of my life at the moment, but why wouldn’t the thoughts, feelings, insecurities, anxieties, sadness, and depression fall right there alongside?

Noon:

I think I slept. I think The Office was on in the background, but mostly I tried not to think about things. I kept replaying the statistics from my morning run that I watched on GMA in my head; Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain.. why does this happen and we’re not discussing it? Like so many other issues, we choose to go on with our lives and then when the next person takes their life, we will wonder why? I was texting with a friend and theorized that the same creative genius part of their brain that has allowed some of these greats to be icons in our society, unfortunately, also plagued them with a very, very dark side of loneliness and helplessness.

Afternoon :

I decided to shift my energy and go for a walk with Lulu, spend time with loved ones, and not focus on these iconic individuals who are no longer with us. It is these times I’m usually grateful for. I tried to take my mind off of how sad I am for the families of these individuals, but in the back of my mind the thought was still there. I guess my question is where do we go from here?

Night:

My friend and I jokingly were commenting on a Facebook post (about cake/totally unrelated) in which she said I should update my blog because I was “vegan again”. I laughed, but because Mr. Bourdain hated vegans (to which I clearly didn’t take offense). This, I guess cemented my ideas about this entire day. If we’re not normalizing mental health in the same way we do physical health, we really won’t get very far as a society. It’s difficult. It’s uncomfortable. Most people do not want to discuss it.

In high school I told my best friend “I think I’m depressed” and she said “we all are, you’ll just get over it” and somehow, some way, I knew that to be the case, and I was fine. I do know, however, that there are plenty of people who won’t just be ok. It is ok to not be ok.

It’s ok to not be ok.