people and things.

Lately I’ve been feeling like there are a lot of circumstances that we don’t discuss as a society (when I say lately, I mean often). Mental health and addiction seem to be the issues weighing heavily right now given recent notarized suicides and overdoses, however, I don’t think we should hold back or allow any issue to be passé.

I remember being a kid and learning that my aunt’s sister committed suicide; I couldn’t fathom it. She wanted to die? This was an extreme circumstance for someone who was raised in a family who lost a child to Cancer. That child was full of life, wonder, potential, love… all of the things that we hope our children possess. How could this individual want to die, yet on the surface possess every skill to succeed?

I don’t believe most with mental illness enjoy sharing their story, inasmuch as I don’t think those with substance abuse enjoy talking about their issues. However, it didn’t occur to me until a few weeks ago that there are other issues that affect us that most of us like to keep secret.

Given recent Cancer diagnoses and chemo therapy treatment plans, we cannot get pregnant naturally. That took a lot for me to say/type out loud. For the first time in my life, I do not have control over something that I want so badly. Clearly there are feelings that go beyond having a family/children, that scare the shit out of me given the circumstances, however, I also want to be able to have children with my best friend. Do you know how many people do not like discussing this?! 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility issues, and rarely discuss it. Although this problem for us is more complex and different, it’s all still relevant. I learned a few weeks ago that a very good friend was struggling with this, as well, and we are now able to relate to one another about our challenges. I also learned that another friend is the product of IVF (how amazing is that)?!

This is quite possibly the most challenging thing I’ve written, however, I think it’s super important to just be real about what you’re going through. You never know how many others are in your shoes, or have been in your shoes and can help you out.

Someone (RS) suggested I get back on here, claiming I had an audience- I know otherwise, but it’s been a strange day. Do you ever have those days that feel like a compilation of 5 days all in one? I’ll try to break it down in the least complicated way possible, but will surely fall short.

Morning:

Anthony Bourdain, chef, travel savant, CNN analyst who taught us all (or tried to teach us) about appreciating other cultures took his own life. I read this on TMZ at about 5am PST. I thought instantly about being at my parents house, with my dad watching him. My dad being in awe of this man who’s profession it was to travel the world, mingle with locals, and feast on the local fair. It’s hard to see the person who you have looked up to the most, have this “celeb crush” (if you will) on this individual who was probably very ill. I texted my dad, and we had a chat about how sad this was.

Mid -Morning:

I got to the gym and things were oddly different for a Friday. The gym was packed when typically this would be the day people skip. The TVs were glued on Mr. Bourdain’s passing, but it wasn’t enough for me. I was reading (albeit subtitles) in which the “signs of suicide” include; mental health issues, substance abuse, and… the clincher… prior suicide attempts. I was running and thinking to myself, no shit. We make it so passé to discuss any mental health problem, but if you have a terminal illness, people know about it. Trust me, this also hits very close to home. The latter is very much a part of my life at the moment, but why wouldn’t the thoughts, feelings, insecurities, anxieties, sadness, and depression fall right there alongside?

Noon:

I think I slept. I think The Office was on in the background, but mostly I tried not to think about things. I kept replaying the statistics from my morning run that I watched on GMA in my head; Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain.. why does this happen and we’re not discussing it? Like so many other issues, we choose to go on with our lives and then when the next person takes their life, we will wonder why? I was texting with a friend and theorized that the same creative genius part of their brain that has allowed some of these greats to be icons in our society, unfortunately, also plagued them with a very, very dark side of loneliness and helplessness.

Afternoon :

I decided to shift my energy and go for a walk with Lulu, spend time with loved ones, and not focus on these iconic individuals who are no longer with us. It is these times I’m usually grateful for. I tried to take my mind off of how sad I am for the families of these individuals, but in the back of my mind the thought was still there. I guess my question is where do we go from here?

Night:

My friend and I jokingly were commenting on a Facebook post (about cake/totally unrelated) in which she said I should update my blog because I was “vegan again”. I laughed, but because Mr. Bourdain hated vegans (to which I clearly didn’t take offense). This, I guess cemented my ideas about this entire day. If we’re not normalizing mental health in the same way we do physical health, we really won’t get very far as a society. It’s difficult. It’s uncomfortable. Most people do not want to discuss it.

In high school I told my best friend “I think I’m depressed” and she said “we all are, you’ll just get over it” and somehow, some way, I knew that to be the case, and I was fine. I do know, however, that there are plenty of people who won’t just be ok. It is ok to not be ok.

It’s ok to not be ok.

“Do you want the bad news now, or should I wait? I expected the question followed up by something mundane on a Monday, but this time it wasn’t. “I know why you haven’t heard from Matt…” and it hit me without a second guess. There wasn’t a question. He didn’t change his number. His condition didn’t worsen leaving him with the inability to text. I knew. I think what is worst is that if I think about it, deep down, I knew. Our last text exchange was a bit off, but the last 4 years had been off. I should have taken him to the doctors appointment he asked for a ride to, or to lunch he said we should have gotten. I let my life get in the way.

I think deep down what hurts is that there was a huge deal of grief and pain going on in his life that he chose to not reveal to even his closest friends. We all had assumptions. We all made accusations. However, the issue was never fully addressed.

My hope is that he’s somewhere no longer suffering. My hope is that he can look after all of us just like he would when he’d drive us home safely in his Honda Civic with the air conditioning blasted on high during every month of the year. To $2-you-call-it’s at Moondoggies, and dodging bullets at Typhoon Saloon, I’ll miss the crap out of you. You slept on a skateboard. Outside. What in the actual hell? I’ll miss you forever, and think of you often.

Last night we listened to “If we were vampires” on the way home, and the lyrics just messed me up. Don’t waste any days, any hours, any minutes…

It’s knowing that this can’t go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we’ll get forty years together

But one day I’ll be gone or one day you’ll be gone

What a life. I’m sitting here just thinking about how grateful I am for all of the amazing things in my life (and even the shitty things, because those things have brought me closer to those I need). Man. We were lucky enough to get to Denver last weekend to see some amazing friends who we miss dearly. When people ask, “How was Denver? What did you see?” Im genuinely proud to say, I saw my friends and spent time with them. There were no grandiose tourist spots (although we went to many a location), but we all genuinely had a great time (although flying home Monday morning on my birthday was freaking terrible… and TSA stopped me for a mini bottle of Baileys that Court and I thought would go great in my morning coffee and searched EVERYTHING I had with me… I digress).

On Tuesday despite the fact that the restaurant we went to tainted Jill’s taco (truth), I got to hang with some of my favorite people. We’ve been sort of all over the place the past few months and I really needed my time with them. We need to get back into our swing of regular hang out sessions.

I was lucky enough to catch my best friend for a little while during the day Saturday, and even though we have a trip planned in two weeks, it was great to just reconnect. It’s funny that after 20+ years not a whole lot changes. We can really just pick up from anywhere, and everything is perfect. This is me praying that the roads are perfect in two weeks for our weekend to celebrate Lauren.

We spent my dad’s birthday out at the beach and invited my grandma, and I’m so glad we were able to see her. The holidays brought sort of a strange time in San Diego, where most of the city was worried about the flu (especially if you’re 93), and they just felt really disjointed. My Nonnu was in the hospital, and spent Christmas/Eve there and we are so thankful for the medical care he received while there, and for his continued health. Luckily, my Gram trusted the fact that we were all finally healthy 😂and we took advantage of that! She is so great. For someone who has been in San Diego for SO long, it is crazy to hear stories about all of these places we go to, and take her to, and what they were when her and my Papa were dating. To say we all enjoyed ourselves is an understatement.

And now, I sit here with my little sleepy family, watching Guy’s Grocery Game (not kidding) and slightly dreading (but not really) this upcoming work week. With all of these aforementioned people, I’ll get through anything.

So, it’s basically been an entire year since I’ve updated and it wasn’t until I was emailed about getting a FOLLOWER recently that I was like holy crap, I should write! Ps, thanks, Adam 😂 your former work wife (yes, we’ve divorced, and I don’t receive alimony 😒) is still leading a very bland and boring existence. What have I been up to lately? Let’s see:

– 80 day challenge stuff: if anyone wants to join my team, let me know! It’s just Lulu and I in my living room with some free weights and booty bands, but I can totally motivate you! Along with this comes healthy eating, healthy decisions, and other shit (yea, that’s the technical term). Also, we’re getting ripped💪🏼

– Wedding stuff: full on wedding swing for Uncle Tones^2 (how do I do the squared symbol on this?) does anyone want to give me a WordPress tutorial?! Anyway, my sister is marrying my brother, yea, we’re strange like that. If I get another call from my mother asking me about something, I’ll scream (but I guess that is one less call Linds will receive?) We are so ready for this co-ed bachelor/ette weekend in Palm Springs, that if I buy another party favor, the house will in fact resemble more of a Party City than adorable desert vacation rental. Can you even have enough cactus, though?! I think not. BUT, before Palm Springs we are headed to Santa Barbara to celebrate my amazing bestie’s sister who is going to be married in June! We REALLY need a besties weekend to just relax with wine and yoga and girl time. Talk about the year of little sister marriages (and little brother! Not that I have one, but Kris does).

– Rough stuff: I watched a Will Smith Instagram story today, and let me tell you, Brene Brown step aside. He was basically saying how we need to take responsibility for the negative in our lives. Taking responsibility does not mean that you’re at fault, but you are in charge of how you recover and live your life and empower yourself. This is dead on. Things I’ve been dwelling on; cancer, the accident, having kids, not being able to have kids, life, work, family, buying a house, annoyances. Why? Let’s just address and move on. So, I am.

– New stuff: heck yes, I am going to Denver this weekend for my birthday (pre birthday actually, if you want to be technical) but I am so excited. All 3 of you who read this will have to send me recommendations. I think my travel bucket list for this year is as follows: Denver, Santa Barbara, Palm Springs, Hawaii, Palm Springs, Vegas, Austin, New Zealand. If you even have to ask why Palm Springs is twice, just never read this again.

– Food stuff: I feel like I am always a recovering vegan. It’s like I am, and then I’m not, and then I am again? My allergies/sinuses, etc have been on overload recently. Could it be due to the fact that Mother Nature hates us, and we’re constantly dealing with floods and fires and eruptions and storms? 🤔 So, I’m totally good with the whole cutting out dairy thing… and meat is not a do or die for me, so, I guess I’m back. Two trailer park girls go round the outside… (guess who’s back, back again…)

That’s it for now ❤️

2+ weeks ago I decided to start this whole/super clean eating/work out journey. Along the way it has “suggested”, ok, REALLY suggested that we journal, but I haven’t been able to find the time. Between waking up early to get in the workouts, actual work, meal prepping, and back to the gym, it’s been a really trying couple of weeks. 

I think growing up, and maybe even as I got older, I heard this phrase “_____is in their own head” or “____needs to get out of their head” and I wholeheartedly believe that this applies to living a healthy lifestyle. I needed to get out of my head a couple of different mentalities that were just crippling. There are two ways I would spin this, either: 1) I can’t do it, or 2) (a very unrealistic approach) I’m already “pretty” healthy. Someone told me that healthy living is almost like addicts dealing with sobriety; you have to be all or nothing. So, we’re all. 

What’s crazy is that last week was very trying work-wise. I feel like that needed to happen for me to overcome this threshold of maintaining proper nutrition. Shit isn’t going to be easy, but nothing that is worth it ever was. With life hurdles, it’s even more clear that we should be nourishing our bodies and treating them well so that we can handle all of these unexpected curveballs. For example: I did not want to work out today. I actually forced myself out the door, walked into the gym, and was totally fine. However, the feeling after knowing you completed something that you didn’t want to do, and it wasn’t THAT BAD is well worth it. Side note: don’t get it twisted, after these 8 weeks I plan on allowing a cheat meal/meal out once a week (even if that consists of a Costco cheese pizza slice, it’s going down). 

Some positive changes occurring during these past 2-ish weeks are: weight loss, schedule changes, energy increases, craving decreases, etc. So, I can say weight loss, but like a moron I did not weigh in until a full week had passed (I have however experienced weight loss since the first weigh in 8 days ago). However, I can tell you that once you bring yourself to cut out all processed sugars, starches, gluten, dairy, and so on from your diet, you will see the positive changes that those items alone make on your diet. I DID take before pictures (which I definitely do not have the balls to post) and monitor them pretty closely to track results, as well. In regards to workouts, they are tough. I keep as consistent as possible, and honestly some of them keep me really sore (especially all of the booty ones) but, it should pay off in the long run. Schedule wise, I’m up everyday by 5am to hit a 20 minute morning run. By the time I’m home, I have some coffee and can continue the rest of my workouts. It’s so much more beneficial to get this done early in the day! Cravings… 😐. What can I say? Week 1: totally fine. Week 2: totally fine. Week 3: give me pizza, nachos, a bag of chips, and 39 carne asada burritos. Ok, that was dramatic, but this week’s cravings hit me hard (in which I did not cheat, but female troubles definitely have me tempted), I had to remind myself to continue to feed my body the whole foods it deserved, and I was fine (imagine that). 

So, this is me checking out for week 3, day 2… ain’t no stopping us now…

Who has ever shown up on someone’s door step unexpectedly and had it end with a good result? Anyone? I think I showed up Saturday expecting something else (actually…I know I expected something else), but for once in my life I was not afraid of the unknown. I’m usually the type of person who is reluctant to act out of fear. What if someone gets upset with me? What if the situation worsens? What if…?! I think as we age, we grow, and overcome, and sort of reach this personal impass that means either you move on, or you don’t. It’s very black and white. 

I met this individual through my sister, and we became instant friends. I’m not sure why this happened, because one of the first nights we hung out, he slept outside on a skateboard (which alarmed me but also made me laugh). He and I became inseparable, not only at work functions, but school and social events. I joked with friends over the weekend about how he was always the the driver. He was one of, if not my best friend for a number of years…and then it all seemed to crumble. 

The stories he told became more outlandish, the times together seemed more strange, and I was always the “vanilla” friend who’d never experimented with any sort of drug, thus never actually picked up on anything. As time progressed and we completed college, and relationships on my end grew; we grew apart. 

As I fast forward to this past weekend I’m overcome with guilt. Why couldn’t he tell me? Why did I assume the worst? Was he upset that I simply showed up? I think my overall message is that if someone is on your heart/mind, you shouldn’t give up. I wasn’t the only one who was constantly wondering about him. We just didn’t (even in this day and age) know how to get ahold of him without Facebook or text messages (yes, I’m a recruiter, and yes, it’s my job to reach people). 

I spent the better part of 4 years wondering about a dear friend, and now I have answers. If someone is on your heart, I would encourage you to not give up on them. You never know how badly they need you. 

It’s back, people. The one…ok one OF, but definitely an essential thing in my life that my soul craves…baseball. I play this funny little game with myself every season after the Red Sox either win it all, or choke in the playoffs where I delete my MLB At Bat app. It’s my own version of throwing my phone while still holding on to it because I don’t want to give Apple any more of my hard earned money (even though I guess with the 7 it’s only $25). There is just something so satisfying about that shaking box as you’re holding the X that makes you feel better after your team has just choked. I would say that I’d delete it after the Padres no longer had a shot but I’d be sitting there mid-May twiddling my thumbs for another year. 

Crickets?

I suppose the only problem is that I actually have no time to think, which is slightly problematic just in regards to being an adult human. Thus, no time to write for all 2 of you followers, my dog is getting ignored (she really isn’t, she still runs shit around here), and I may not have time to get to a lot of games this season /pay for Petco admission, stay for a few innings, and go somewhere more interesting. 

So, what is it about the slowness of waiting for a guy to take 12+ pitches in order to walk on base that thrills me? No idea. I am probably one of the only people I know who can sit through an entire major league game (with a good team) and actually care about the outcome. Anyway, we are less than a week away from root, root, rooting for the home team (sadly) and if they don’t win it’s a shame (or expected). Go Padres!